Tuesday, December 28, 2004

 
April 1, 2005
Iraqi Parliament Asks U.S. To Stay
Rumsfeld Vows "Immediate Departure"

In a move which stunned most observers, the U.S. announced yesterday the immediate withdrawal of all armed forces and civilian personnel from Iraq. A spokesman for CBS said that an "explanation for the startling turn of events might be found in analysis of a surreptitious taping of a secret session provided by an unnamed source." Reportedly, Iraq's newly chosen premier, Ali al-Sistani and several aides and bodyguards are seen and heard conversing with Paul "Butch" Wolfowitz and as yet unidentified military attache. Also visible in the background are two video hookups, one with the shite opposition leader, Al Sadr, and the other displaying a Sunni spokesman transmitting from Tikrit. Audio enhancement suggests a heated discussion followed by Sistani giving Wolfowitz's aide the security codes for some 40 billion dollars previously held in trust by the UN. The entire amount is then apparently electronically transfered into a U.S. Bank. At that point, Sistani asks when the funds will be disbursed for rebuilding his war-torn country. After being told, "When Hell freezes over," Sistani rants in broken english about Iraq being "cheated," and tells the Americans, "The money stays and you better get yourselves out of here." As several of Sistani's bodyguards rise, the cleric threatens death and the aide tells Wolfowitz, "If he invites us to stay, then we'll go; he's got to invite us to stick around." Wolfowitz then closes with Sistani, telling him softly, "What would you think about maybe asking us to stick around? You wouldn't have to mean it or anything; just ask us to stick around." After being shoved aside by Sistani, Wolfowitz tells his partner, "I can't help you, Brighter-than-a-thousand-suns-Kid." And to Sistani, "That's right and he's also the one known to you as the 'Moabite' who flattened half of Mosul and the head of 'Operation Phoenix II,'." A clearly terrified Sistani says, "I didn't know that you were the 'Brighter-than-a-thousand-suns-Keed' when I said you were cheating. If my bodyguards draw on you, you'll kill me." Wolfowitz then intercedes with, "No, you'll be killing yourself. Why don't you just ask us to stick around. Now, you can do it. And easy. C'mon....c'mon." Sistani then says, "Why don't you stick around?" Wolfowitz picks up the laptop used to wire the funds, saying, "Thanks, but, Hah, we gotta' get goin'." As the two Americans leave, Sistani says, "Hey Keed....Hey Keed...How good *are* you?" The "Kid" then pivots, and takes out the armed Muslims with head shots, and Wolfowitz appears to enter something on his computer. Several seconds later the two live feeds are replaced by static.