Friday, December 10, 2004

 
Bernard Kerik Withdraws From Homeland Security Post

A spokesman for the Bush administration announced the unexpected withdrawal of Mr. Kerik for a cabinet post after the puzzling behavior of the ex-NYC commissioner at a press conference. The glassy-eyed security expert starred blankly for several minutes before repeating over and over, "I.....am.......K-k-k-kerik," before the Press Secretary took over the podium and explained that the prospective nominee was suffering from "The Paradise Syndrome," and would be "pursuing other interests," and had decided to "spend more time with the gravely injured Ms. Meramanee." The Secretary hastened to add that Mr. Kerik had excellent credentials, and furthermore, had proven his worth as a "first responder" in resuscitating a Saudi youth who had been pronounced dead as the result of drowning. He also disavowed earlier statements by Mr. Kerik that the U.S.S. Enterprise was putting into port for repairs after its unsuccessful attempt to deflect an asteroid put on a collision course with the U.S. mainland by terrorists. The Secretary also stated that "We have another candidate who has the 'strong medicine' which we need to defeat terrorism: a Native American who demonstrates our administration's commitment to diversity -Dr. Salish."