Monday, December 13, 2004

 
Hamas Threatens Sanctions, Dropping of Dollar as Reserve Currency

Representatives of Hamas, Wahabi clerics, Al Qaeda and Hezbollah held a joint conference in Cairo yesterday in which they outlined plans for a "sheik-up" in operations. A spokesman for Hamas, noting a decline of the dollar among world currencies, said due to "the Zionist attack on the Great Satan's Twin Towers," said that the "U.S. Greenbergback" no longer bought as many weapons and "corrupt EU officials and border guards" as had been the case prior to 9/11. This was said to be only partially offset by the lower cost in operations within the United States. A euro now buys more U.S. single bills- said necessary for the "final purification rites" of Islamic "Wholly Roamin' Warriors" in "the unholy bars of the belly dancers of the Beast."
Hamas also announced that it would not only proceed not only with plans to market milk cartons with pictures of child-martyrs, but also to feature adults who have not yet completed their "sacred duties."["Have You Screened Me?" collectors' series] Asked if this might compromise those missions, a spokesman replied that it was part of psy-ops to demonstrate the impotence of U.S. counter-intelligence efforts. He noted further that Transportation Secretary Norman "Stormin Manzanar" Mineta had declared that information "gleaned from dairy products[and private breakfast tables] could not be used for 'racial profiling' and lashed out at those who 'would look for easy 2% solutions.'" The spokesman added that the cartons would, in fact, include biographical as well as photographic "profiles." Asked about the "shelf-life" on the would-be martyrs, he stated that anyone not carrying out the ultimate sacrifice by the "freshness date" would be forcibly "expired." Details were also given for the launching of a program allowing Americans to "adopt" needy Palestinian children. Donors would receive pictures, touching essays(mostly about Jews), and finally, press clippings, sent by the childrens' greatly honored relatives. Finally, outlines were sketched for campaign, tentatively called, "Stun Cell Research," to feature sonograms of "pre-born Wahabists" carried by pregnant female suicide bombers. The West's acceptance of abortion was decried and it was asserted that that "ensuleiment begins at conception," and that the "mama-less Mamuluks would be attended by 72 lactating virgins."
Al Qaeda's P. Dar Brahim Loo, a U.S. citizen who immigrated from Malaysia and webmaster of VirginiaDearbornMichigan.org announced that his organization would not only continue foster immigration of Muslims but would now issue long term visas for Islamic countries to recent U.S. converts: "After a decade or two of charity work, or service as a 'human shield', the Americans could return, with valuable experienced gained, to enrich the land of the cursed infidels, subject only to a million dollar exit fee for their heads."
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Oh well, Scrappleface, it's not. Some of the above is so obvious that it has probably been done before and I apologize if I used anything written by others which I half-way forgot having read. Perhaps the dreadful puns which bubble up as I hack along are so "rich" as to be nauseating. Comments intended for publication may be sent to nromirror@aol.com. Others may be sent to reactionry@aol.com.